Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
