Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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