I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
