you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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