Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
