Moan for me like Helen Keller
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
