Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
