I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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