My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
