from now on my penis is your penis
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
