My boss' voice literally gives me gas
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
