even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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