He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
she woke up with a sticky ear
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
