i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
