i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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