I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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