why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
