I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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