I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
