Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
