her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
you had me at cake vodka
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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