Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Success! We fucked roommates!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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