Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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