The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize