When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
