It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
