He uses pillows to masturbate.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
