I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
