Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
