My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
