I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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