My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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