Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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