I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
