We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
