Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Randomize
