Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
