her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
