I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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