You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
After tacos, we're chasing women.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
