He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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