You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
