Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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