My friends, they love my intelligence
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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