Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I am one with the molecules
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
