I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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