I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
