I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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