Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
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he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
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