R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
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Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
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I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize