I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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