I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
