You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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