I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
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I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
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Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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