Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
