why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
