One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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