Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
