my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
