Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
