hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
