Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
