i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
time to smoke my breakfast
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
