I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
